A month in to this most terrible of heartbreaks and have been really going through the motions. From brave-facing it, to boozing it, to slagging him off to make myself feel better, to texting when drunk, to texting to sort out house stuff, to going out with friends, meeting friends, staying with family, all this whilst intermittently bursting into tears. The grieving stage is real people. I just want the sadness to go awaaaay.
Yesterday was the first day that I didn’t feel truly sad and felt more optimistic about the situation. Today I am back to plain old feeling sorry for myself. This shit could do with being more predictable.
What I have realised is that the whole thing is a process that can’t be wished away. For me the first stage was shock, as this breakup was a completely unexpected oxygen stealing horror. It took me a good week (at least) to process what had happened and the implications of that for my life. Next was the grieving and missing him stage – which I assume is going to be ongoing.
Now I feel like I have moved on to a newer and more gruesome stage. Acceptance. I think deep down throughout prior stages in the process, I did not want to believe that this was happening so perhaps you could say before acceptance was denial.
Now I feel like I am seeing things less with rose tinted glasses, but more clearly, in full colour.
The grieving process often involves lamentations on what a great relationship it was and what a great person he was etc etc. But the thing that I have realised is, that if it was so great I wouldn’t be sitting here going whyyy meeee. And if he was so great for me then I wouldn’t be feeling like he has ripped my oesophagus out with his bare hands, leaving me robbed of coherent speaking abilities and a burning feeling in my chest. No one who is ‘great for me’ would participate in such violence. It’s just a fact.
The relationship might have felt great at the time but there was a significant portion of it where he was not being completely truthful to me and was not brave enough to come out and say it.
Accepting the truth for what it is and not telling myself that he was amazing and Iwillneverhaveanythinglikethatagain is the key to moving forward with my life for two main reasons:
1) Holding on to the memory of us like that is going to make meeting anyone else or even just being alone for a bit feel really shitty. It may even make me want to wait for this magical moment when he realises what he’s done and come back to me. But why would I want that? He has shown himself to be wanting in terms of what I need and deserve.
2) Accepting the truth helps me not to beat myself up and make it about me. The truth is, it wasn’t about me being a bitch about him not cooking dinner, or moaning about living in London, that would be completely ridiculous and if it were true then good riddance. The truth is he didn’t love me enough to compromise. Or was not ready to. Who knows the truth, all I know is he is never coming back. Even if he did we could never be the way we used to be and that it is it. Us as I knew it has gone. So in many ways the whyyyyyyyyy doesn’t matter. In the wise words of the Love Islanders, it is what it is.
And that is the thing to really take home here and in any painful breakup that has you asking why.
The relationship that you are mourning is gone and is never coming back.
That is the cold, hard truth. And until you accept that, there is no way to move forward.
Now repeat after me……